Sentience in a seed-pod

Alert to the sensitive reader: The following post may constitute toilet humour. It's definitely about toilets - I'm just not sure it's humour.

I am not a homophobic man, I thought to myself last night while peeing standing up (girls, sucks to be you) at a urinal in the city, but I do hate peeing in the company of men. It's not that I don't want them checking out my penis. They can check out my penis all day long for all I care, as long as it doesn't get in the way of my day to day activities. It's that I don't want them to see me peeing. In fact, I think if I were gay I'd have more trouble peeing with other men because I'd be reminded about all the things penises go through before they go in my mouth. Now that I mention it, it'd be even worse if I had to pee in front of a girl. Yikes.

The problem is that peeing has a humanifying (I make up words all the time, piss off (excuse the pun)) effect on me. Before people see me pee, I could be a superhero, or a cool alien from outer space, or a professional television and film actor. But a superhero doesn't pee. A superhero has no bladder. They just totally rock all the time. Who has time to go potty? Not me. I never do it.

The same thing happens to a lesser degree with eating. This is why it's uncomfortable to sit with someone when you're eating and they're not. You're exposing need, and you're out on a limb. They need to eat too, or they're in a dominant position. Do they ever eat? You don't know. They could be a superhero. Superheroes don't have stomachs. They use the space to store gadgets or nuclear fission generators, or other superheroes called the Tiny Avenger. Say hello to my little friend.

Seriously, people, I need these delusions. Let me pee in private!